Falling Down Getting Up and Finding Real Confidence

A while back, I delivered a talk to a crowd of 500 and, to my own surprise, it went off without a hitch. Fast forward three weeks, and I’m standing in front of thirty people, covering the same subject, and I completely unravel. Every confidence hack deep breathing, pep talks, picturing the audience in their underwear (whose bright idea was that anyway? What if their underwear is fancier than mine?) failed in spectacular fashion.

It’s baffling. But then again, so is confidence.

This experience got me thinking about all the ways confidence can be slippery and unpredictable. That’s what this piece is about.

When Success Doesn’t Stick

For years, I walked around feeling like I was on the clearance rack—acceptable, but not quite worthy of the full price. This was especially confusing because, on paper, I was thriving. People invited me to speak at their events, not because they were desperate, but because I actually had useful insights. CEOs yes, the kind with corner offices and assistants who could reschedule your life would call me in to untangle their teams’ issues.

Yet, despite being good at my job, I didn’t like myself much. I felt about as comfortable in my own skin as someone wearing a wetsuit to a black-tie gala. If you’ve ever felt that way, you know it’s no party.

Here’s the confusing part: lacking self-esteem doesn’t mean you’re missing all the other traits associated with confidence. You can still look competent, take risks, and be the go-to expert, all while secretly battling self-doubt. So, does self-esteem matter if you can fake confidence? Absolutely. Living with self-criticism makes everything harder and more draining than it should be. That’s why learning to be your own supporter is essential.

The Ability-Confidence Disconnect

Confidence and ability are about as closely related as reality TV and actual reality. On one end, you’ve got the guy who confidently explains your job to you but can’t navigate the office without Google Maps. On the other, the expert who starts every sentence with “I might be wrong, but…” as if decades of experience were just luck.

This mismatch explains a lot about meetings, politics, and family gatherings. What really matters is self-belief—the conviction that you can achieve what you set out to do. Take me: I nailed a presentation to 500 people, then fell apart in front of thirty. Same topic, same speaker, wildly different levels of self-belief. Why?

Our brains have a quirky way of measuring our abilities, influenced by sleep, coffee, or a comment from a teacher years ago. Our self-assessment is often unreliable.

The solution? Build a mental archive of your successes. One of my clients, Dr. Chen, has performed thousands of heart surgeries. Before each one, she mentally reviews her previous successes and challenges. She doesn’t tell herself she’s a genius; she just reminds herself of what she’s already accomplished. This practice helps anchor her self-belief in reality. You can do this too.

The Context Trap

Confidence is more tied to context than we realize. A teacher might be fearless in front of a class but nervous at a wedding toast. Even small changes can throw us off. I’ve done radio interviews with the same host in the same studio, and felt much calmer the second time simply because my brain recognized it as familiar territory. Change one detail, and suddenly I’m a rookie again.

The trick is to gather evidence of your competence across different situations. Your brain needs proof that your skills are portable.

The Myth of Fearlessness

We’re often told that brave people don’t feel fear. But research shows even bomb disposal experts experience fear, they just act anyway. Sometimes, confidence isn’t about being fearless; it’s about showing up despite the nerves.

Confidence grows through action, not the other way around. Many people wait to feel confident before acting, but in reality, you build confidence by taking risks, starting before you feel ready, and being willing to stumble. As psychiatrist Neel Burton says, “In the absence of confidence, courage takes over.”

When Trying Harder Backfires

There are plenty of emotional regulation techniques: box breathing, muscle relaxation, reframing thoughts. But as my two presentations proved, even a full toolkit doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing. Sometimes, the harder you try to control your emotions, the more they take the wheel.

The key is to practice these techniques until they become automatic, and use them before anxiety takes over. And don’t forget to revisit your past wins. These habits improve every area of life and are more rewarding than doomscrolling.

The Social Paradox

Social settings can either build you up or knock you down fast. It all depends on whose opinions you let matter. In public speaking, I could be engaging a whole room, but if one person in the front row looks bored, that’s all I focus on.

But social support can also be a powerful confidence booster. Research shows that people with strong support networks recover from setbacks faster and develop more resilient self-esteem. Sometimes, all it takes is someone saying, “I believe in you,” to change your internal dialogue.

Putting It Into Practice

So how do you put this into action when life shakes your confidence? That question inspired my “Hard Things, Brave Hearts” framework, a way to build a personal library of real experiences and strategies for self-esteem, social anxiety, context shifts, and emotional regulation.

This idea took shape after watching my daughter, then seven, want to quit snowboarding after a tough few days. My husband and I faced the classic parenting dilemma: let her quit or encourage her to keep going. We chose the latter, helping her up each time she fell. I whispered, “Polly can do hard things,” and soon she was saying it herself.

She learned to build self-esteem by overcoming difficulty, to develop self-belief from real achievements, to act despite fear, to regulate her emotions, and to rely on support while also finding her own strength. Years later, starting at a new school, she whispered, “Polly can do hard things.” The resilience she built on that mountain became her anchor in new challenges.

The Moving Target

Confidence isn’t a permanent state. It’s woven into the ongoing process of being human. Messy, unpredictable, and always evolving. Growth doesn’t come from chasing unshakeable certainty, but from facing hard things, one step at a time, with a brave heart. Each time you do, you collect real evidence that you can handle what comes next, reminding yourself that you’ll figure it out as you go.

For tips on how to put this in place in your own life go to my Substack and get Life Connected in your inbox, tune in to my podcast for real-world stories, or grab one of my books for a deeper dive.